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Last night a Chinese guy came to my favorite bar.

 I asked him if he knew Kung Fu or some other martial art.

He said, “Why do you ask me that? Is it just because I’m Chinese?!”

“No it’s because you’re drinking MY beer!“

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A man wants to do a new parachute record: The longest freefall without pulling the rip cord. So he jumps a plane at a huge altitude. His height gauge shows 30 000 feet. He keeps falling.

In a while he checks the gauge again and now it shows 15 000 feet to the ground.

A few seconds later it shows 12 000 feet. He continues falling. Now it’s only 3 000 feet left. He grips the rip cord firmly in his hand.

At 1 500 feet he is singing in a shaky voice. Only 300 feet left. He waits till the last moment.

Then it’s only 150, 120, 90, 60, 30 feet till the ground. The man shrugs: Ah well, whatever. I can handle 30 feet without a parachute.

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Husband takes his wife to a disco. There’s a guy on the dance floor dancing like a king –moonwalking, break dancing, head spins, the works. The wife turns to her husband and sighs: "You see that man? 25 years ago he asked me to marry him and I said no."
 
Husband says: "Yep, it looks like he’s still celebrating!!"

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An elderly couple talk in the evening:
“Honey, I’m so sorry that I let out my anger at you so often. How do you manage to stay so calm with my foul moods?”
“I always go and clean the toilet when that happens.”
“And that helps?”
“Yes, because I’m using your toothbrush.”

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What’s the difference between glue, a tuna and a piano?"

"No idea."

"You could tuna piano, but you couldn’t piano a tuna."

"Oh. And what’s with the glue?"

"I knew you'd get stuck there."

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Newlyweds wake up one morning on their honeymoon and the man suggests: "Darling, why don’t you brew us some coffee?"
 
Wife looks confused: "But that's your task, honey."
“What? Why?”
 
"It’s all over the Bible, dearest."
 
"The Bible says nothing about who’s supposed to be brewing coffee!"
 
The wife grabs hold of a copy and starts flipping pages at random: "See? Everywhere: Hebrews, Hebrews, Hebrews."

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I’m already doing 60 in a 30 mph zone and still that guy is sticking to me. And now he’s blinding me with these fancy blinking blue lights. The world is full of psychos!

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Why couldn't the lifeguard save the Hippie? 

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Because he was too far out, man.

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 If you play any game every day of the week...more tan 2 hours a day...it´s easy to get bored.

That's what she said!

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Posted (edited)

My grandfather was a veteran of the Second World War. During the Battle of Britain in a single day he destroyed 8 German aircraft and killed 20 crew members. He was the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.

Edited by kuracino

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On 08/06/2018 at 3:31 AM, kuracino said:

My grandfather was a veteran of the Second World. During the Battle of Britain in a single day he destroyed 8 German aircraft and killed 20 crew members. He was the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.

xDxDxDxD

A 60 year old millionaire is getting married and throws a big wedding reception.

His friends are quite jealous and in a quiet moment one of them asks him how did he land such a hot 23 year old beauty?

“Simple,” grins the millionaire, “I faked my age."

His friends are really amazed and ask him how much he said.

"Well", he replied.  "I said I was 87!"

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