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jellyswim

How to be *GOOD* at squad

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Buckle up kiddos because ya boy here is gonna be givin you the DL on being a beast on the battlefield.

 

First things first: pick medic. Always. Forever. If you don't pick medic, then your 2nd grade teacher was right about you being an incompetent moron after you attempted to make a macaroni owl which turned out looking more like 2 dolphins trying to force a threesome with a can opener, inevitably landing you with a two week suspension and swift scolding from Karen the house maid.

 

...Anyhoo, once you've got that kit selected make sure to turn your microphone off, or better yet, turn off your whole headset. The less you hear those nagging kids asking for YOUR resources, the better. People always whine and say "medics are supposed to heal their team mates... blah blah blah... I'm out of bandages yadda yadda yadda"; you gotta silence that shit ASAP. You're a medic meaning you can sop up those haji bullets as much as you damn well please. Those 6 bandages in your inventory? Those are for YOU. Don't let anybody else tell you otherwise. Somebody wants a revive?

 

They're jealous.

 

They want heals?

 

Jealous.

 

Those peasants are just mad that you took this beast of a class before they could get their sweaty, cheeto crusted, sausage fingers on it.

 

B-T-DUBYA ignoring sausage-fingered team mates is squad 101. That's in the Squad handbook, look it up.

 

Now we need to talk about the most important aspect; the one true goal every squad god (aka sqgod) should strive for:

 

A positive K/D. 

 

Since the internet was created for the sole purpose of bragging rights, you need keep that tradition alive and strong. If you have the best K/D at the end of the match, the rest of the players will be humbled by your slaying power/enormous balls (these terms are mutually interchangeable).

 

These players will be brought back to the day that 9 year-old badass came cruising into the library on his black-as-night Heelies, mentally ruining them with the phrase "my dad can beat up your dad". These players will be wrought with pain and an even greater sense of jealousy over your proven capabilities on the battlefield. These players will be so distraught with your pure butt kickery, they won't just delete squad, they'll delete their whole god damn computer. That's right motherboard and all, just select and delete.

 

Now I've got your attention huh? Now you wanna learn the secrets of mastering the sqgod ways? Free your mind and lose yourself in my teachings, and you will find what you seek, grasshopper.

 

First of all, those bitches you call squad mates? Useless. You can do way more damage on your own, but if you find yourself stuck being close to them, always use this phrase: "I'm a medic so you go first". This let's players know that you're trying to reach sqgod tier and nothing's gonna get in your way. Those sheeple will proceed to charge at the enemy with the force of 1000 hippopotami directing all their fire and exposing them while you get to sit behind cover, picking them off one by one by one by one and so on. If your squad "mate" tries to flee, just block their path so they get shot anyway because you wouldn't want that sly POS taking your kills later on. This concept is squad 102, Quoted directly from the handbook: "the more friendlies that are killed, the more enemies there are for you to WRECK". Again I guarantee it's there, look it up. Besides, if you ensure you're team is dying more, that's just better chances for you to be at the top of the scoreboard anyways!

 

My last tip for you is convince your squad "leader" to put fob radios in the middle of the open on capture points so those targets you call "enemies" have to come dig them in the open giving you all the god damn free kills you could ask for. For this to work, however, you need to make sure your squad "mates" don't interfere with your bonifide reaping. Now at this point, you should already have your squad so disheartened by your badassery that you'll be able to control them better tham any squad "leader" and you can command them to do a quick suicidaroo while you mass seemingly limitless kills.

 

Follow these steps and I bet you'll be causing the squad community to collapse from sheer and utter terror in no time. If you don't follow them, I GUARANTEE you'll spend the rest of your life as a social regect sitting next to Diane, drinking apple juice out of a corona bottle at Tuesday's rehab meet. The smell of menthol cigarettes and trashy 40 year olds with botched tattoos surrounding you as you come to the realization that your second grade teacher and I were right all along and that you've made a fool of yourself. Guarantee it.

Edited by jellyswim

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5 hours ago, Wiffel said:

How to be *truly GOOD* at squad

Talk less.... PLAY MORE :D

 

Wrong. Have fun living in misery, hope you and Diane have fun in rehab.

4 hours ago, Xx-RAGING-DEATH-xX said:

I like this thread,like it alot!...Very entertaining!.

You're welcome. Keep me posted on the results of your new found abilities.

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[6Lt0s1ln.png]

 

Good stuff. I wonder if you confused things like 'let's' with 'let you' and 'you're' with 'your' on purpose. Because if you did it on purpose, that's brilliant!

 

At the start I thought it was a question thread. Then I saw a lot of words and was waiting to see some bs biased guide/tutorial. And only after I've read quite a few paragraphs I realized it is a joke xd.

Edited by Skul

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This was amusing to read, and unfortunately represents a large portion of the Squad players. 

 

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5 hours ago, LaughingJack said:

lols! OP. Ever thought of writing for the Onion crew ;)

Honestly that would be a dream come true lol

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On 9/30/2017 at 12:30 PM, jellyswim said:

You can do way more damage on your own, but if you find yourself stuck being close to them, always use this phrase: "I'm a medic so you go first".

Since I deactivated my headset, I suppose yelling this at the screen is completely fine and should be recognized by "them"? Maybe I am wrong.

 

Can I build up my carma by shooting my squadoons into the limbs during a firefight and heal them afterwards? I mean, it kind of lets them know I care about them, or am I wrong?

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Don't forget IEDs in main at the start of the round and then switching sides. It's war man, any advantage needs to be seized. 

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1 hour ago, Scum said:

Can I build up my carma by shooting my squadoons into the limbs during a firefight and heal them afterwards? I mean, it kind of lets them know I care about them, or am I wrong?

 

I don't think exposure therapy has been approved for bullets yet. Have you considered lovingly holding their gazes?

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made me chuckle...   ..  other thing is always throw smoke on the injured players... that we the enemy can concentrate fire on them whilst you sneak out the other way....

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On 10/9/2017 at 3:33 PM, embecmom said:

made me chuckle...   ..  other thing is always throw smoke on the injured players... that we the enemy can concentrate fire on them whilst you sneak out the other way....

I like how most players seriously throw smokes to get to those injured players. So you're staying on CROWs waiting for this medic to come revive/heal that guy, then you just spray both of them through the smoke making the injured guy to wait 60 more seconds on spawn screen on top of what he already been on the ground. biggrin.gif It will never get old gamer1.gif

It even works on matches against top tier clans.

Edited by Skul

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