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Krypton56

Whats everyones best joke?

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Catholic schools' students are taught that lying is a sin. However, instructors are also advised that using a bit of imagination is OK to express the truth differently without lying. Below is a perfect example of this teaching:

Wanting to get a hairdryer through Customs an attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?'

'Of course child. What can I do for you?'

'Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. 
Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Could you possibly hide it under your robes for me?'

'I would love to help you my dear but, I must warn you, I will not tell a lie.'

'With your honest face, Father, I'm sure that no one will question you.'

When they got to customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'

'From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.'

The official thought this answer a little strange, so he asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'

'I have a marvellous instrument that has been designed for use on women, but which, to date, remains unused.'

Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next please!....:D

 

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How many fish did I need to get rid of my wife's body?

 

 None, there aren't any fish under my new gazebo

Edited by NotBrad

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2 hours ago, koschilein said:

How many German´s does it take to change a light bulb?

 

One cause we are efficient and not funny

You forgot the other guy who holds the beer for his buddy. :D 

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Just now, invisible.nin/SINE said:

You forgot the other guy who holds the beer for his buddy.

No, because I am that guy!

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ah, glad to see the internet hasn't forgotten the Chuck Norris jokes! :D

 

My favorite jokes are from soviet era Russia. Nobody does dark but dry humour better than the russians.

 

"Three men are thrown into the gulag, and after a while the conversation turns to what they were arrested for.

The first guy says, "I was 5 minutes, late for work, so they arrested me for being a saboteur!"

Second guy says "I was 5 minutes early for work, so they arrested me for being a spy!"

The third guy says "I turned up to work on time, so they arrested me for having a watch made in the West."

 

Another one:

 

A border guard on the soviet border spots a flock of sheep heading towards his post.

"So, where are you sheep going?" He asks.
The sheeps replied: "We are leaving russia. The party has outlawed elephants."

The guard looks about. 

"But you are sheep, not elephants!"

"Yeah, but try to convince the NKVD of that!"

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Paddy phones up the newspaper ad section, and says, "how much does it cost to advertise?"
The lady says, "it cost 50p per inch."
"Jesus! says Paddy, Oi can't afford that."
"Why, what are you selling?" says the lady.
"a thirty foot ladder," says Paddy. 

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This one time my friend caught me sniffing his mom's panties.
It wouldn't have been so bad if she didn't had them on at the time.
He got very angry!
Really made the rest of her funeral really awkward for both of us.

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98 oranges walk into a bar.
 

Spoiler

Bar tender, clearly annoyed, exclaims, "Hey! Get on out of here! We don't serve juuuuuuuice!

Ambersweet_oranges.jpg

 

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On ‎22‎/‎08‎/‎2016 at 6:04 AM, FFG said:

teamwork

There's always that one guy. you are that guy :D

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Whenever you have chicken - anywhere, when the staff ask 'how was it' always reply

 

'it was fowl'................

 

always goes down like a cup of cold sick.

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On 8/22/2016 at 6:44 AM, koschilein said:

How many German´s does it take to change a light bulb?

 

One cause we are efficient and not funny

 

I actually lol'd

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A woman asked the pharmacist, "Do you sell Viagra?"



"Yes we do," he answered.



She asked, "Does it work?"



"Yes it is most effective," he answered.



"Can you get it over the counter?" she asked



"I can, if I take two," he replied.

 

:D

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(For this to work, you have to speak with a overly done german english accent when speaking the lines of the coastguard radio operator!)

 

A british ship is caught in a storm off the coast of Germany. They send a desperate radio transmission to the german coastguard;

"Calling all coast guard vessels, we are sinking, I repeat, we are sinking!"

After a little while the german coast guard replies.

"Ah yes, that is gut, what are you zinking about?"

 

*rimshot*

:D

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